I always come here when I'm feeling pitiful.

So, um, I don't like me. I was telling Julie about it tonight, and I'm just tired of myself. I want to get married, but then I turn down guys without giving them a chance. And I start in on this whole "I'm not ready for a relationship" business and so on and so forth. Thing is, I don't really know if I'll ever be ready. How can something I want so much scare the shit out of
me? Whatever. I'm tired of thinking about it. TIRED OF IT.

So back to this personal trainer business. 24 hour fitness is having this biggest loser thing and you can get 5 sessions for $49. I'm thinking about doing it. I just need to f'n do it, you know? Sure, I should probably be saving the money, but whatver. I'll stop getting my nails done and if I'm working out, then I'll stop eating out so much and maybe that'll even out the price. But what happens if I want to keep the trainer after the five sessions? How much is THAT gonna cost me? I pay $10 a month right now for a gym I don't use. But I get that price because I can only go when my friend is there and that's inconvenient. I need to stop questioning and do. Maybe I will do that on the 15th...I am getting 3 hours off to do whatever it is I need to do, so maybe I'll work up the nerve to do it then.

And I'm sure this is my problem in the first place. I've got it in my head that I'm never going to be happy until I'm healthy. So, I guess I need to get healthy and if I run into problems after that, we know that wasn't the issue. But, getting healthy can't hurt anything, right?

I watched that movie Stick It tonight and damn...she has a great body. I want that. Okay, so I doubt I'll ever get that because I'm not 20, but it'd be nice.

I should go to bed.